


Loved and Were Loved

by spiffywimple



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, Mass Effect 2, Medical Trauma, One Shot, Post-Mass Effect 1, Pre-Mass Effect 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 16:25:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10834947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiffywimple/pseuds/spiffywimple
Summary: “I really like you, Kaidan. But I need you on my team, until this is over. Afterwards, if you… feel the same way, I’d really like to see where this goes.”Kaidan’s heart slowed a little, but just a little.“That’s what I want, too. Thought you’d know that by now.”Oneshot exploring the start of Mass Effect 2 from Kaidan's perspective, and context from between ME1 and ME2.





	Loved and Were Loved

The last four days had been some of the best, and some of the worst, in Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko’s life. Who was he kidding… the whole last month had been the same.

The Battle of the Citadel was won, despite no one but the _Normandy’s_ crew being prepared for it. The frigate had taken heavy damage, along with the entire Fifth Fleet, and was grounded for three weeks for repairs. That meant three weeks of liberty on the Citadel for the crew. Kaidan was ready for some rest, but after just a day of leave, the lack of activity made him itch. And the lack of contact with Commander Shepard. 

He’d seen her every day for months. Spoken to her almost all of those. Thought of her more than that. Throughout their pursuit of Saren, the obedience and tiny crush he had for his impressive CO had grown into devoted respect and actual, real love. He pretended it didn’t interfere with the chain of command up until he spilled his guts the night before Ilos, and by some stroke of luck, she invited him to spend the night. They were lightyears away from protocol by the time they were grounded.

But then he didn’t see or hear from her for days. There was no reason for him to – he was on liberty. She was on liberty. No legitimate reason for them to be in contact. But he had hoped that they would finally be free to be genuine with each other. Maybe this _was_ her being genuine.

On the morning of the third day of his leave, Kaidan had decided he was well and truly too old for the number of beers he and his old training buddies had downed. His datapad blinged next to his head, interrupting his hungover doze. Shepard’s name on the holo woke him up quickly.

 

_Crew of the SSV_ Normandy _,_

_Our next mission has been assigned. Mission is to investigate rumors of geth holdouts across the galaxy and neutralize any and all confirmed. Mission start is in 2 weeks 4 days, Earth-time. It is each crewmember’s responsibility to sync their clocks to Earth time – Citadel lag will not be accepted as an excuse for reporting to duty late._

_Commander Jane Shepard_

Kaidan stared at the holo for a few more seconds, the dry orders enough to hold his attention, when another message alert appeared and his stomach flipped when he saw her name again. He opened the message.

 

_Kaidan,_

_We should talk. About Ilos, about what’s next. Can you meet me at Apollo’s Café in the Presidium today?_

_Shepard_

 

He shot off an affirmative reply as fast as he could make his hungover fingers move.

Her message was deliberately ambiguous. He had no idea hat to expect. A little voice in his head told him the night before Ilos had just been her blowing off steam, and he was going to meet her and get told to get back in line.

But stronger, seared into his memory by the adrenaline of the previous week, was the look in her eyes when he said they’d never exist again, the impossibly soft feel of her skin on his fingertips, the sound of her gasping his name in his ear.

* * *

 Shepard was waiting for him at the café when he arrived. He double-checked the time – nope, not late, five minutes early. He realised he’d never seen her in civvies before – bare shoulders, long brown hair let out of its regulation bun, a silver bracelet at her wrist. He smiled without meaning to. She greeted him with a hug. A good sign, but he was still nervous. She was still his CO.

“Thanks for coming, Kaidan.”

“Of course, Shepard. You look nice,” he hesitated, wanting to finish the sentence with a “Ma’am,” the urge to speak formally a strong habit. He was pretty sure they were past that, though. At least for now.

“Thanks,” She smiled. “Anderson ordered me to take a few days’ leave.”

“Still working?”

“Yep. Reports to the Council and Alliance brass, planning next steps. 

Of course she wasn’t wasting time like the rest of the crew. “You never stop, huh?” 

“Well, I have now. Sort of. What have you been doing these past few days?”

She was smalltalking. Not necessarily a bad sign. Close to fraternization, but Shepard was friendly with all her crew. Kaidan’s nerves didn’t ease yet.

“Not much,” he stalled while he thought of a positive way to frame the amount of drinking he’d done recently. “Caught up with some old friends from basic.”

She must’ve invited him here for a reason. Better to get it out in the open sooner rather than later. That way he could get over it sooner. 

He looked her in the eye. “Shepard, why do I get the feeling you’re gonna talk about the weather next? Come on, why did you want to see me?”

Shepard took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.

_Damn, she must be really nervous. Never seen her show a sign of fear._  

“Yeah,” she sighed, “You’re right. Putting it off isn’t gonna make it any easier.”

Kaidan braced himself, face carefully blank. But his heart was beating so hard he worried she might see it though his t-shirt.

“We have to talk. About… us. You saw the mission outline?”

He nodded.

“I expected that after we caught Saren, the _Normandy_ would be repurposed, and the crew would be posted elsewhere. At least the Marine outfit. But there are apparently still geth abroad, and no one else has our experience dealing with them. So, we’re out again.”

“Yeah, I get that,” He said. What any of that had to do with “them” wasn’t clear.

“As it stands…” she continued, “You and I have complicated the chain of command. I expected we would be free to… or, _not_ , if that’s what you want…”

_Is she nervous about what_ I _think?_

“… To spend more time together. We’ve been pardoned of mutiny, and I don’t think anyone knows about our _other_ transgressions. But… it can’t continue. Not while we’re still working together.”

_Here it comes._

“I understand,” he replied. “So… where does that leave us?”

Kaidan was in love with her. He wanted to tell her, to say ‘screw the regs,’ but that wasn’t the world they lived in. Regs were regs, and Shepard was his CO. She had to make the call.

“I really like you, Kaidan. But I need you on my team, until this is over. Afterwards, if _you_ … feel the same way, I’d really like to see where this goes.”

Kaidan’s heart slowed a little, but just a little.

“That’s what I want, too. Thought you’d know that by now.”

She smiled. “Just wanna make sure we’re on the same page. Things have changed a lot this past week.”

“So… when do we start? Can I buy you a beer first, Commander?”

“Let’s start after _one_ _beer_ , Lieutenant.” 

* * *

Everything was burning. Air getting thinner – he’d have to put his helmet on soon if it got any worse.

He had to find her.

Kaidan ran through the corridors half-blind, searching for the Commander.

_Make sure she’s safe._

He found her quickly, launching the distress beacon near the battery.

“Shepard!” His voice sounded muffled in the rapidly depleting atmosphere of the wrecked _Normandy_.

“Distress beacon is ready for launch!”

“Will the Alliance get here in time?”

A booming below them and the force knocked him toward her. She steadied him.

“The Alliance won’t abandon us. We just need to _hold on_. Get everyone to the escape shuttles.”

The crew would know to head there, but she was giving him orders to make sure. But _she had to move_ , too.

“Joker’s still in the cockpit,” he explained. “He won’t abandon ship. I’m not leaving either.”

_Until you do._

“I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles.” She reiterated. “I’ll take care of Joker.”

She grabbed his arm to pull him in the right direction, but was knocked off balance by a blast from their right. Recovering quickly, she knocked shutdown commands into the exploded panel to prevent any further sparks. He had an order, but she wasn’t coming with him. They needed to _get out_.

“Commander!” He pleaded.

“Kaidan, _go_. NOW.”

“Aye aye.”

Kaidan left her at a run. He’d come from the CIC, already destroyed excepting the cockpit. He dropped down the emergency access ladder to engineering to check for crewmembers and his legs spun at the base. Deck 3 mass effect drive out. Pushing himself down the ladder by his arms, he scanned Engineering for survivors. Two lifeless bodies floated on the far side of the room.

No time for a better check, he sped back up to Deck 2. With relief, he saw the majority of the crew had made it onto the shuttles.

_Thank god for evac drills._

He rushed a few onto a shuttle and closed the door just before the blast of an explosion killed the couple of crewmembers remaining, the searing heat of burning He-3 warming him even through his armor.

_“In an emergency, get yourself to the escape. Don’t waste time identifying the dead, or you’ll be one of them.”_

He threw himself into one of two left and slammed the door closed.

_One left for Joker and Shepard._

He closed himself in the seating pod and thumped the eject button.

“Brace for evacuation in t minus five seconds. Four. Three. Two. One.”

Kaidan’s organs lagged behind the shuttle as it blasted away from the falling _Normandy_. He opened his comm channel to account for survivors. With Pressley gone, he was in charge until Joker and the Commander joined them.

_They_ will _make it. She always does._

“Alenko. Shuttles one, two, four, five, and six deployed. Head count.”

He counted the evacuees in his head. It took longer than it should have; he was distracted. Seven. Only seven, of over twenty. There would be two more.

_They’ll make it._

There were no windows in the shuttles, for structural reasons. He couldn’t see the _Normandy_. But he didn’t let himself worry. No point worrying.

_She’ll make it._

His omni-tool showed another comm connect to the channel and he let out a breath.

_They’ve made it._

Joker’s voice over the comms.

“Joker here. Made it into the last shuttle. Commander Shepard… she didn’t make it.”

Didn’t make it onto the shuttle. Surely. She’s still on the ship. The shuttles ran on autopilot, but he could probably override the controls to go back and get her.

“Alenko. Copy that, Joker. Where is the Commander?”

“She’s gone, Lieutenant.”

“No.”

Kaidan brought up the suit interface on his omni-tool. Poor signal, but he could still see all the remaining crew members. He scrolled quickly, second-nature, to Shepard’s. It was still connected, but flashing red. Depressurizing.

He connected to its medical interface. It was slow – signal very weak.

Almost all readings were in alert.

Blood pressure error.

Heart rate – 160 bpm.

Respiratory rate jumping up above 150, then under 30 – violent contractions of her diaphragm as it pulls nothing into her lungs.

Blood oxygen – flashing 50% and dropping before his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Lieutenant.”

Heart rate slowing, back to normal, then lower.

Oxygen 0%.

Suit temperature increasing.

46°C.

62°C.

103°C.

157°C and he stopped watching.

Shut it off.

His own voice sounded far away.

“A minute’s silent vigil for all those lost.”

**Author's Note:**

> I played Mass Effect ten years too late and then my brain wouldn't stop fleshing out these scenes? Oneshot for now.


End file.
